Psalm 139: 15 (NIV) My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Her number flashes across my Fitbit and I want to grab my phone and swipe backwards to hang up. I have no time for the long conversations that inevitably ensue, primarily because I often feel junk thereafter. She would have done it another way; I should have done more; from her experience, it doesn't work this way; I feel judged as incompetent. Why do I subject myself to her calls? Because I don't want to express the unpleasantries that may be needed to break up the junkness between us. I am a coward when it comes to confrontation. "You know me, Lord," I say, as I point my finger to blame Him for making me this way. I want the gracious exit, but I cannot have it this time. I am formulating my speech to her now, coaxing myself to do so very soon before unplanned words come tumbling out sinisterly. I can do something about this.
There is another story I cannot do much about except to accept it as it is. It, too, has made me question my worthiness. We had worked so well together, this boss and I, and when I left him, I felt confident that I had made my mark as the best assistant he ever had (his words). He asked me when I left whether I felt sorry for him, but I said no because I knew he would be fine. Indeed, my replacement was gregarious and confident; I knew she was a good fit and I was happy for him. All would have ended well if I didn't seek his counsel over my unhappiness with my last boss, whom he supervised. I met with him three times and finally discerned that he may have indicated some of my feelings to her. I was unwise to have sought his advice and put him in a compromising position. Towards the end I felt that I no longer had a special history with him but was relegated to regular staff status with no memorable friendship. There have erupted in me some feelings of loss of the ties that used to bind, with remnants of bitterness accompanying the sadness. I've had to ask the Lord to take these feelings away and to forgive him for the aloofness between us. But I ask for no resolution because there is nothing to do but accept that there are friendships for a season and no more.
God created the depths of me without error and reminds me that "junkness" is not in His vocabulary. Invisible post-it notes to this fact are situated next to my brain and heart, and it is my responsibility to live as I am loved.
You, too,
Mom
Her number flashes across my Fitbit and I want to grab my phone and swipe backwards to hang up. I have no time for the long conversations that inevitably ensue, primarily because I often feel junk thereafter. She would have done it another way; I should have done more; from her experience, it doesn't work this way; I feel judged as incompetent. Why do I subject myself to her calls? Because I don't want to express the unpleasantries that may be needed to break up the junkness between us. I am a coward when it comes to confrontation. "You know me, Lord," I say, as I point my finger to blame Him for making me this way. I want the gracious exit, but I cannot have it this time. I am formulating my speech to her now, coaxing myself to do so very soon before unplanned words come tumbling out sinisterly. I can do something about this.
There is another story I cannot do much about except to accept it as it is. It, too, has made me question my worthiness. We had worked so well together, this boss and I, and when I left him, I felt confident that I had made my mark as the best assistant he ever had (his words). He asked me when I left whether I felt sorry for him, but I said no because I knew he would be fine. Indeed, my replacement was gregarious and confident; I knew she was a good fit and I was happy for him. All would have ended well if I didn't seek his counsel over my unhappiness with my last boss, whom he supervised. I met with him three times and finally discerned that he may have indicated some of my feelings to her. I was unwise to have sought his advice and put him in a compromising position. Towards the end I felt that I no longer had a special history with him but was relegated to regular staff status with no memorable friendship. There have erupted in me some feelings of loss of the ties that used to bind, with remnants of bitterness accompanying the sadness. I've had to ask the Lord to take these feelings away and to forgive him for the aloofness between us. But I ask for no resolution because there is nothing to do but accept that there are friendships for a season and no more.
God created the depths of me without error and reminds me that "junkness" is not in His vocabulary. Invisible post-it notes to this fact are situated next to my brain and heart, and it is my responsibility to live as I am loved.
You, too,
Mom